Ah, the office. We spend the best part of our days and lives there, meaning we get to know our colleagues pretty well, even if we really don’t want to. Do any of these sound familiar?
1. The one who’s your work BFF
AKA your partner in crime and your lunch buddy. You spend most of the day emailing passive aggressive memes to each other. You feel panicked when they call in sick. They’re not just for the 9-5, either. You find yourself missing them and your in-jokes at the weekends, too.
2. The one whose desk is always messy
You’re pretty sure this is a matter for the Department of Health. There are dirty tupperwares that have been hanging around since the last financial year and several mugs growing mould. Avoid at all costs.
3. The one who just graduated
The graduate is super keen, super smiley and always ready to offer up a story starting: “This one time at uni…” Let me stop you right there, Becky – NOBODY CARES. They also make you look bad by putting in too much effort. You’re waiting for life to grind them down a bit, and then you’ll probably be friends.
4. The one with annoying habits
You know the one: the sniffer, the pen chewer, the out-of-tune hummer. You name it, and if it’s enough to set you on edge, they do it repeatedly. Keep your whistling to yourself, Kevin.
5. The one who organises work drinks
Otherwise known as the work social sec, this bundle of fun won’t hesitate to send out an email to “All mail users” arranging Thursday night work drinks, and will even source a willing manager to bring along the company credit card. We love this guy.
6. The one who’s always trying to organise work drinks
This guy has good intentions but it’s just never going to happen because he’s too keen. Does he even have friends outside work? Whenever he suggests drinks, everyone’s suddenly too busy/too poor/too tired.
7. The one who has kids
They’ve got photos of their cute kids stuck all over their computer, spend most lunch times on the phone to the nanny/nursery/school and they miraculously manage to get all their work done. You often wonder how these super-parents do it, because you can barely manage to get yourself up, dressed and into the office on time.
8. The one who’s a total pushover
If someone has to work the weekend, pick up an extra project or make an awkward phonecall, you know who it’s going to be… This person is really nice, but they just need to learn the art of saying no.
9. The one who is way too loud on the phone
It doesn’t matter whether it’s an important client call, or booking in a follow-up at the STI clinic, the entire floor will hear about it. Use your indoor voice, Sandra.
10. The one who lurks
He’ll catch you by the kitchen counter while you’re making tea, silently creep up on you by the photocopier, even pop up out of nowhere to accompany you to the toilets. There’s no escape from the lurker. What does he want? Nobody knows. Our guess is just some human contact.
11. The one who’s a massive scrounger
Money behind the bar? He’s there. Leftover biscuits from a meeting? That’s his lunch. Any work perks or free gifts? This guy is all over it. The worst part is, he’s on a higher salary than you.
12. The one with anger issues
Perfectly reasonable one minute, borderline terrifying the next. You never know what you’re going to get with this one, so you always give them a wide birth.
13. The one who always eats smelly food
What’s for lunch today? Fish? Egg? Aged blue cheese? Probably all of the above in one stinking salad. This person’s pack-up is definitely not appropriate for an al desco lunch – take it outside, please, it’s making us gag.
14. The one who everyone fancies
You’re not even 100% you’d fancy them in the real world. But in the office, they’re an absolute 10.
15. The one with the colourful past
This colleague always comes out with great anecdotes about that one time they went to Glastonbury/backpacked around Antarctica/prison.
16. The one who speaks in business jargon
Let’s touch base at close of play? Err, let’s not. Keep your reaching out, circling back and actioning to yourself and just speak like a normal person goddammit.
17. The one who’s way too healthy
They don’t eat carbs, gluten, or dairy and can often be found surrounded by superfoods. They spend their days nibbling on rice cakes, getting people to sponsor their next half marathon and abstaining from eating office birthday cakes (which is a plus as there’s more for us).
18. The one who knows all the gossip
If you want to find out who’s hooked up with who, who’s planning on handing in their notice or who’s suffering an acute personal crisis, there’s one desk and one desk alone you head to. You don’t know who their sources are, and you don’t care.
19. The one who freaking loves a meeting
“Let’s have a quick meeting before the meeting.” “Let’s have a follow-up meeting to discuss this meeting.” “Let’s plan this week’s meetings in a quick meeting.” JUST NO.
20. The one who appears to be doing no work
Seriously though, what is their job?